How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving
Sometimes the person who finds this website is not the griever. It is a daughter, a best friend, a small-group leader — someone who loves a person in pain and is afraid of making it worse.
First, take a breath. The fact that you are worried about saying the wrong thing means you are already more thoughtful than most. And the truth is that showing up clumsily beats not showing up perfectly, every single time.
Phrases to retire
Almost all of these are said with genuine love. They still land badly, because each one quietly asks the griever to feel differently than they do.
- “They're in a better place.” Even when the griever believes it, it answers a theological question they did not ask instead of the human one they are living.
- “At least…” — at least she didn't suffer, at least you had him for so long, at least you can have another. Nothing good has ever followed those two words in a room like this one.
- “I know exactly how you feel.” You do not, and saying so moves the spotlight onto your loss.
- “Let me know if you need anything.” Well-meant, but it hands a task to the one person with no capacity to delegate.
- “You're so strong.” This is a compliment that comes with a job description attached.
What to say instead
Shorter than you think. Less than you think.
- “I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.” Honest, and it asks nothing of them.
- “Tell me about him.” Grievers are often desperate to say the name out loud and terrified of making everyone uncomfortable. You just gave them permission.
- “I've been thinking about you today.” Especially in month four, month nine, on the birthday, on the anniversary — long after the casseroles have stopped.
- Nothing at all. Sit with them. Silence with company in it is not awkward; it is one of the kindest things on this list.
You are not there to fix it. You are there to make sure they are not alone in it.
Be specific with help
Replace “let me know if you need anything” with something concrete and easy to accept or decline:
- “I'm at the grocery store — what can I put in my cart for you?”
- “I'm bringing dinner Thursday. I'll leave it on the porch if you'd rather not visit.”
- “I can drive the kids Tuesday and Thursday for the next month.”
- “Would it help if I sat with you while you make those phone calls?”
Watch the calendar, not the crowd
Support surges in the first two weeks and then vanishes almost overnight. Meanwhile the shock is wearing off right around the time everyone stops calling, which makes months two through six some of the hardest and loneliest.
Put the date in your phone. Set a reminder for the six-month mark, the birthday, the first Christmas. A text on a day nobody else remembered is worth more than everything you brought in week one.
And if they are still stuck
There is a difference between grieving and being frozen. If someone you love is a year or two out and still cannot speak the name, still carries visible guilt over things left unsaid, still says “I'm fine” in a voice that says otherwise — they may simply be missing the tools.
You can send them this page. You can offer to sit beside them on the free fifteen-minute call. Sometimes the most loving thing a friend does is make the first step slightly less lonely.
Iola Burnsed is a faith-based Certified Grief Recovery Method Specialist in Palm Coast, Florida, serving clients in person and by Zoom. Read her story or book a free 15-minute Discovery Call.